Misadventures of The Shield
by WheelyJ87
Summary: A collection of short, humorous stories centered around The Shield.
1. Chapter 1

**Hiking**

"Damn, that sun's bright," said Dean as he and Roman headed into the woods. For some totally weird reason (OK, truth be told, Dean was drunk), Dean had convinced Roman to go hiking with him. Now, here they were, walking through nature, observing the wildlife and complaining.

"Dean, shut the hell up and walk. You're the one who convinced me to go with you on this trip."

"Yeah, but you should know by now not to listen to me when I'm totally shit-faced!"

Roman shrugged him off and put on his sunglasses. As he walked, his head down, staring at the ground, he didn't notice the tree he was coming dangerously close to. In that moment, he smacked face first into the tree, then fell back, landing on his ass.

Dean took this moment to stop walking and roll around on the ground laughing. "Hey, George, watch out for that tree," he commented between fits of laughter.

"Ouch," Roman complained, rubbing his forehead. He stood up and walked over to Dean, who was still laying on the ground, laughing. "That's right. Just laugh your little ass off. By the way, thanks for helping me up."

Dean flipped Roman off and then got up on his feet. After he had stopped laughing, they continued their walk. About fifteen minutes later, Dean said to Roman, "Be right back. Gotta use the bathroom." He stomped off through the leaves on the ground, leaving Roman to sit down and wonder why in the hell he agreed to come along.

~*~

Roman checked his watch. It had been twenty minutes since Dean had left. "Fuck," Roman growled. Just as he decided to go look for Dean, he had reappeared, a look of bewilderment on his face. "Where have you been?" Roman asked impatiently.

"I met a possum." Dean squeaked.

"Alllriiiight…"

"I named it Palooza."

Roman stared at Dean as if a tail had sprouted out of his ass and horns had grown on his head. "I don't even wanna know," said Roman, and continued walking.

~*~

As they walked through the woods, Dean leading, Roman looked at the sky and noticed that it was starting to get dark.

"Um, shouldn't we be getting outta here?" Roman asked.

"I've been trying to for the past hour."

"WHAT?!" Roman yelled, his voice echoing through the lonely forest. "You mean to tell me we're lost?"

"Kind of."

Roman smacked Dean in the back of the head. "You dragged me all the way out here just so we could get lost in the fucking woods like two…boy scouts? Next you'll expect me to build a fire with two sticks and sit around it with a banjo singing campfire songs while eating beans out of a can!"

"Don't abuse me! By the way, I didn't drag you out here! You agreed to some drunk's words!"

"Great, now we're lost and we'll probably never be found. COULD THINGS POSSIBLY GET ANY WORSE?"

As if on cue, lightning streaked across the sky and rain began to pour down, soaking the two men. Roman glared at Dean, who smiled sheepishly.

Roman groaned exaggeratedly, uncomfortably. He was standing in the middle-of-fucking-nowhere, in the rain, next to his best friend who had convinced him to come on this trip. "Dean, this is all your fault."

"Thanks. I feel loved."

"We'd better find someplace to get out of this rain." Roman and Dean began trudging through the forest, keeping their eyes open for any kind of shelter.

A while later, they found relief in a little cave-type-thing. Sitting on rocks in the cave, they stared out into the woods at the rain pouring down and flashes of lightning.

"Roman?" Dean said in a whiny voice.

"What, dumbass?"

"I'm cold."

"Well thank you for pointing out the obvious. So am I. What do we do now?"

"I read somewhere that you can get warm by sharing your body heat with someone."

"I don't believe that."

"Why not?"

"YOU DON'T READ!"

Dean sat there and pouted. "Roman?"

Roman sighed. "Now what?"

"I think I'm getting hypothermia."

"As much as I hate to say it, maybe we should share our body heat by huddling together."

"Okay…" Dean said. Neither man was eager to make the first move. Finally, Dean inched closer to Roman and they both lay down on the cave floor, wrapping their arms around each other for warmth.

"If you tell anyone we did this, and I mean ANYONE," growled Roman, "I will personally make sure you don't live to see your next birthday."

Despite the imminent threat, Dean giggled. "Okay, I get it. My lips are sealed."

They fell asleep like that, holding each other, surviving off each other's body heat.

 *****THE NEXT MORNING*****

Roman awoke to find Dean still sleeping with his head on Roman's chest, sucking his thumb.

"Dean…" Roman gently shook Dean awake.

"What's going on?" he asked sleepily.

"Get up. I think I know where we are now that it's light."

"Really?"

"Come on, let's get outta here." The two men stood up and walked out of the cave. No more than twenty minutes later, they were back at their car that they'd brought out here.

"You did it," Dean said in amazement. "I LOVE YOU!"

"Love me later," said Roman, getting in the driver's side of the car. Dean got in the passenger side and they drove off toward Roman's house.

They pulled into the driveway and got out of the car. As soon as they were inside the house, the phone rang.

Roman grabbed the phone and said hello. After a few minutes, he hung the phone up and turned to Dean. "Seth's coming over. He wants to hear about our hiking adventure. Remember, if you say so much as a word about what we had to do in the cave, I will murder you myself."

Dean nodded. A few minutes later, Seth came barging into Roman's house, asking where they had been all night.

"We got lost," said Dean. "And then it started raining so we found a cave and had to hold each other all night long to stay warm."

Seth stared at his friends for approximately three seconds and then burst out into hysterical laughter.

Roman took one menacing step towards Dean. If looks could kill, Dean would have dropped dead on the spot.

Dean gulped. "Should I start running now?"

 **END**

 **STORY #2 COMING SOON**


	2. Chapter 2

**Crazy Day**

*Roman's POV*

I would love to say it started like any other day, but it didn't. Dean was chasing AJ around the kitchen with a large container of strawberry ice cream screaming, "Eat it, biatch!" And as always AJ was yelling, "Dude, I told you a million times I HATE STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM!" Renee was busy watching Dora the Explorer while drinking chocolate milk even though she's lactose intolerant. Seth and Paige were on my back porch doing God-knows-what. And I, being the only sane one in the group was trying to clean up everyone's messes.

I heard a loud, girlish scream coming from the kitchen, which I recognized as belonging to AJ. I ran into the kitchen just as AJ barreled past me. I caught him by the arm and spun him around. "WHAT IS GOING ON?" I demanded.

"Smell for yourself!" AJ simply said before rushing off to the family room. I took one whiff and almost lost consciousness. "DEAN! YOU'VE BEEN EATING BRUSSELL SPROUTS AGAIN, HAVEN'T YOU?!" I yelled.

"They're just so yummy," replied Dean as he popped another brussell sprout in his mouth.

I took another whiff and ran out of the kitchen, knocking Renee onto the floor in the process. "Where do you think you're going, snack-pants?" I asked.

"To get more chocolate milk."

"Hon, you're gonna kill yourself if you keep drinking that shit."

"Don't care." She stood up and started to go into the kitchen.

"Don't go in there if you value your life!" I warned.

"Geez, I just wanted one more glass of it."

"It's not that. Dean farted."

"So? It's a normal body function that we all do."

"He's been eating brussell sprouts."

Renee screamed and ran back into the family room.

When I entered the family room, Renee was yelling, "VAMANOS, DORA! VAMANOS! IT'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU! YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE MAP! WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME?"

AJ, who was sitting next to her, asked, "Can I please change the channel?"

Renee growled and grabbed the collar of AJ's shirt, pulling him so close that their noses were touching. "WE'LL CHANGE THE FUCKING CHANNEL WHEN DORA REACHES THE BANANA TREE!"

"Um…Renee? You're breaking my zone of comfort," AJ said.

"Your voice sounds like the chorus of a thousand angels," Renee purred seductively.

"If you don't back off, my foot is gonna feel like the chorus of a thousand—"

"Guys? Where are the other two idiots?" I interrupted.

Dean came waltzing in with a box of chocolate chip cookies. Grabbing one from the box, he took a bite of a cookie and sat down between AJ and Renee. Renee took a sip of chocolate milk and said, "Eew, chocolate. I hate chocolate."

Dean gasped. "You disgraceful bitch."

"Ooh! Cookies!" Renee squealed, completely ignoring Dean's comment.

Sighing exasperatedly, I went out onto the back porch to see what Seth and Paige were up to.

The two were on the back porch grilling…pizza rolls. Paige was rubbing frozen pizza rolls on her body seductively, while purring in a deep voice, "I'm…too sexy for the pizza…too sexy for the pizza…so sexy…I'll eat ya…"

I stared in confusion for a minute before saying, "Dude. What the fuck…"

Inside the door burst open. ''WAZ UP BABY!?'' Charlotte had arrived. She plopped down next to Dean and ate a cookie straight out of his mouth.

"Hey! That was my cookie!" He said indignantly.

"Yeah, but you got to admit, it was pretty hot." Charlotte replied.

"True, true …"

Ignoring the commotion inside, I stopped Paige's "I'm Too Sexy" pizza roll dance by grabbing the frozen rolls of pizza sauce-filled dough and chucking them about twenty feet across the backyard.

"Dude!" she squealed. "You chucked my rolls!"

"I did not 'chuck' your rolls," I replied. "I simply tossed them."

"What did you 'simply toss'?" AJ asked, coming to the back patio.

"He chucked my rolls!" Paige yelled.

AJ started to giggle and I said, "Oh, grow up."

All of a sudden, Charlotte popped up out of nowhere and kissed Seth on the mouth.

Seth realized that he'd just been kissed and said, "Wow. I'm hungry." Then he waltzed over to the grill, grabbed a pizza roll, and stuffed it in his pants.

Renee appeared on the back porch crying and sniffling.

"What's with you?" I asked.

"D-Dora's been canceled," she sobbed.

Seth began kicking the grill while screaming, "OH MY GOD! WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?!"

I walked back inside to the living room and changed the channel to MTV.

Dean came in and said to me, "Charlotte and I are engaged!"

"To do what?"

"To be married!"

 **END  
STORY #3 COMING SOON  
**


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